Filling the void

One of my favourite teachers, A. H. Almaas talks about his theory of holes. He says that we are born with our essential selves intact, with clarity, presence, love and value. An infant does not think of themselves as worthless. The essence is there but not fully developed yet and for that to develop, the environment has to mirror it back for a child to realise their value and worth.

When the essential worth is not being mirrored or supported, we develop a hole. We lose that connection to our essential worth and this creates holes in us. Then we cover up that hole with any number of ways. One of them could be with the profession we have chosen, to become a doctor, therapist or healer, something that is of value to others. That covers up the hole where there is a lack of worth, but it is not really a connection to the inner worth, but a covering up of the hole where that worth is missing.

Another way of trying to fill this hole could be with external things like relationships or material possessions.

When we get triggered it is because something incomplete in us has been uncovered and we don’t like that, we blame the other person for uncovering it, so we get angry. Rather than allowing ourselves to experience the hole by checking in with the body, noticing the reaction and owning it, we want to defend ourselves and even perhaps attacking the other person. Another protection could be to withdraw from the other person.

This happens frequently in relationships.

As long as we attack or withdraw, we are simply perpetuating ourselves as victims and we can simply not heal as long as we don’t take responsibility for ourselves.

So next time you feel triggered by something somebody said or did, ask yourself:

What is the hole here? What is this emptiness? What am I missing?

Our urge for wholeness emerges from our sense of limitation. It is only because something is missing that we reach out for what transcends ego. The holes in us are assisting forces on our journey toward personal fulfilment. The work is to identify our gaps so we can work on them, we can do this by giving ourselves the space and awareness for these inquiries.

There, you may find your true worth and value, not just for what you do but as a human being and perhaps then may you say to a partner,

“I will come to you, my friend, when I no longer need you.

Then you will find a palace, not an almshouse.”

Thoreau